My eyes were sore but they indeed survived the haze of the previous night. I was feeling weak and nauseous out of something I could not really identify. The car window was open and the winds were singing, singing to my ears, buffeting me, saying something while swirling dusts in our path.
That night was unusually jaded, though. My heart, my hands–they were numbed by pins and needles. There was also that weakness at the back of my legs even though I was seated comfortably (well, supposedly) in the passenger seat. The inexplicable sadness covered every fibre of my being, gripping it so tight that I almost felt suffocated.
Beside me was the man whom I have been with for two years. He gave me nothing but his good, faithful heart. He was quietly driving, humming to the tune of “Here, There & Everywhere” which was being played at the local radio station where we were tuned in. I knew right then that he noticed something was wrong with me, since I have always been a Little Miss Sunshine to him. He parked the car and declared that we needed to talk.
In my heart were stories I could not tell anyone–no, not even to the only man whom I decided to open my heart to. Those were the stories that occasionally haunt me, pulling all my endorphins down. There were nights when they would overpower me, forcing me to hurt myself to escape the possible asphyxia. The ugly bruises on my tummy spoke tales of unbearable sadnesses.
I did not talk, as usual. It took me a few minutes before realising that it was okay to cry.
The seconds and minutes have all been a blur to me. I was crying–no, weeping–for a good thirty minutes. He was silently sitting, looking at me with eyes full of understanding, assuring me that there are brighter days ahead. That my brokenness does not make him love me less.
He held my hands and put me in his arms.
“The Lord hears even our wordless groans,” he reminded me.
And then he wept with me.
A year later, in the presence of God, I promised him “my life, my reality, my scars, and the will to always try to be good to deserve [his] love.”